Why aren’t you married yet ?….

Why Am I Not Married Yet - Paula Bridgewater Life Coach

4 Reasons YOU Won’t Commit to Him


You’re smart, pretty, and fun – So why aren’t you married yet?

I’ve read the books and the blogs on the topics of “why he won’t commit to you”, and sure, some of the advice makes sense. The overall message, however, is disempowering to women. It gives the perspective that women are weak, needy, and broken. And perhaps that’s the case for some women, but for most women the advice from books such as “He’s Just Not That Into You” or “Marry Smart” or “Marry Him!: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” seems trite, and frankly, disembowels a female’s self-esteem.

The fact is, more women are waiting until they’re older to get married. Statistics show that single women are a growing section of the population. According to the U.S. Census, marriage dropped from 57 percent in 2000 to 52 percent in 2009. Single women outnumber married women in the U.S. for the first time, and only 20 percent of adults age 18-29 were married, compared to 60 percent in 1960. Marriage is declining, so maybe it’s no longer about why he won’t commit to you, but rather, WHY YOU WON’T COMMIT TO HIM?

In an interview with Fresh Air’s Terry Gross, author Rebecca Traister of “All The Single Ladies” says this about being single by choice: “when I say the choice to not marry, that doesn’t always translate into, I am a woman, and I am deciding that I am not going to get married, or I am rejecting marriage. The choice to not marry can also mean, I would really like to marry or to fall in love or to meet someone, but I haven’t met someone who I feel is going to improve on the life that I am building and making on my own.”

While statistics show single women are a growing majority, and studies have shown that single women are actually happier than their married counterparts (with children), a good portion of the single population feel sad and embarrassed they’re not married.

More often than not, the advice on why he won’t commit to you is focused on what you may be doing wrong. Telling you you’re broken and here’s how to fix yourself so he’ll get down on one knee and propose. So let’s flip the script and get to the REAL reasons why YOU WON’T COMMIT TO HIM. First, come to terms with your definition of commitment. Is it marriage? Is it a long term relationship, absent of marriage? What are your expectations when you’re in a committed relationship?

The weight imposed by societal norms and expectations about marriage can be burdensome. Gaining clarity on “why you won’t commit to him” can free you from the frustration and anxiety that weight puts on you. To help stimulate the “why” in why you won’t commit, here are 4 possible reasons why your relationship hasn’t blossomed into saying “I DO”

1. You’re Career Focused

Have you decided to invest your time and energy into your career as opposed to your relationship? Don’t apologize for it. Your choice to focus on building and strengthening your career brings real joy, fulfillment, and a sense of security for your future. You understand it’s a time commitment that leaves little time to invest in a relationship, and you’re not one to commit to things half-heartedly. When the right suitor who admires, understands, and supports your career quest comes along, you’ll know it. That’s not to say you can’t be career focused if you’re married and have kids. But so far, the verdict by career savants who are married with children, is that it brings its own challenges. I’ve heard statements such as “You can have it all, just not all at once.” quoted by Oprah, or “I don’t think women can have it all. I just don’t think so. We pretend we have it all.” Quoted by Pepsi Co’s CEO Indra K. Nooyi. Check out this video where she talks about the challenges of work-life balance as a wife, mother, and career woman.

2. You’re Not Ready for Motherhood

Sure, you may want kids someday, but you’re not ready for kids just yet. There’s nothing wrong with that. Children are a lifetime commitment, and there’s no need to feel obligated to settle down and raise a family right away. It’s difficult to commit to a relationship where he wants kids and you’re not ready. So maybe motherhood is in your future, but for now you’re content. You prefer to avoid the overwhelming feeling of identity crisis that can come from being smothered by the commitment of motherhood before you’re ready.

3. You’re Just Not That Into Him

Maybe you’re not ready to commit to one person yet. Maybe you’re dating multiple people, still trying to figure out what it is you’re looking for in a relationship. Maybe you’re not into him because you’re unwilling to settle. Even in today’s modern world, there are still parts of society that place labels on women who choose to “play the field”. Men seem to have a right of passage to this behavior, while women are criticized and categorized as a “good time girl” or “not marriage material.”  In truth, you needn’t be ashamed for choosing not to commit to a relationship you’re not into. It’s time to say screw the double standard, and embrace the fact that you want to explore the possibilities while enjoying the connections and company of different types of people before you commit to anyone.

4. You’re Being a Friend to Yourself First

I’ve found that women who’ve gone through terrible breakups are able to thrive in the aftermath when they find a way to let go of the loss of a relationship and love themselves without question. They’re no longer concerned with getting him back in their lives. Instead, they’re focused on getting to know themselves better. Whether they use exercise, therapy, volunteer work, hobbies, friends, retreats, or simple self-reflection, they get back to focusing on themselves and their own uniqueness. They learn to practice self-love, and with that, they prepare themselves for the journey of life ahead. When you become your own friend, the secrets of your heart will be revealed to you.

I love marriage. I love the fairy tale stories that surround it, and the sobering reality that comes with it. Marriage is a wonderful thing. However, the craving for intimacy, connection, sex and acceptance doesn’t need to culminate in marriage. Don’t be hoodwinked by Hollywood’s happily ever after stories like The Notebook, because honestly, marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people know this from the get-go and some people learn the hard way.

So, if you decided against marriage, or you just haven’t found someone you want to commit the rest of your life to, don’t worry. You’re not a pariah, an outcast loser, or unlovable. Your life may be full of love and very fulfilling. You don’t need a signed document to prove that to the rest of society. Take comfort in knowing you’re in a place that’s true to you, and find peace in that.

Need more than 4 reasons to convince you “WHY YOU WON’T COMMIT TO HIM”? Check out this Huffington’s Post article 10 REASONS IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO NEVER GET MARRIED.

  1. Trimfruitcake says:

    I’d say I agree with a lot of this except that…I’m not a part of “a good portion of the single population who feel sad and embarrassed they’re not married”…

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